yesterday i had to layoff someone on my team. it sucked. i've fired people before, but i've never had to lay someone off. i feel like it was so much harder, because you can't explain anything. i had to say specific things, so i couldn't just have a conversation. i was so nervous about how it would go, would i remember to say the things i was supposed to, how would the person react, etc. i couldn't sleep the night before, and the hours leading up to the "conversation" were excruciating. the whole thing only took 15 minutes, but man it sucked.
there were other layoffs in the department, although only one on my team. the worst part of being in "management" is stuff like this. when you know that certain people are going to lose their jobs, but you can't say anything, and you still have to act normal. anytime i was in a meeting with one of them that i was close to, in my head i was screaming "ask me a direct question!! ask me if you're going to get laid off! so i can say: 'i can neither confirm nor deny', and then at least you'd have an inkling!!" but none of them got my telepathic messages. and so on the day of, you see people's shocked faces; the hushed whispering in cubes; the tears; the dreaded packing up of things. and you can't wallow in shock along with the other people, because you knew it was coming. but you still couldn't say anything.
that night, i had drinks with a couple of friends that had been laid off, grateful that they were still willing to speak with me, and glad that they didn't accusingly ask "if you knew, why didn't you tell me?" i asked if they wished they had known, and they both said no - i don't know if it was to make me feel better or if it was the truth. i got home that night and crashed into bed, grateful to finally get some sleep. even though i slept, all day today i felt exhausted, beat up. i didn't realize how stressful it was. and i only had to do one! what about others who had to do three/four/five, and also do it to people they had known and worked with for years. ugh, the thought makes me sick to my stomach.
at least it's over now.
please, i hope the stimulus package works. firing people, i can deal with. but laying people off in an economy like this may put me over the edge.
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